I just wanted to let a few things go. They've been bothering me...So if you don't wanna be bothered with angst don't read it.


Today started like a normal day, of course. Brookie took me babysitting with her. I don't really like kids...in fact I hate kids. But I didn't know it'd be hell. It was at the weird-ass place where a bunch of adults were playing 'Dungeons & Dragons' and games like that. So, we had to watch three 5 year old girls. It was fine, they did little 5 year old girl stuff like play dress-up princess and shit. So Brooke and me walked to Wendy's for lunch, the parents took the kids for food wherever the hell. When we got back the kids came back and everything continued smoothly. A little before we left for lunch, three 10 year olds came to join us. They wanted to watch movies on the boy (only boy) named...Liam? Yeah, Liam. On his dad's laptop. But, he desided to have the laptop set up in the fairy dress-up whatever-the-fuck room instead of the other room (not much in it..just a table, a few toy puppets, and a puppet show thingy, but it was a nice sized room). So when the girls were loud and being little 5 year old girls with princess costumes, he got all butthurt and told us to make them shut up. We can't make them to shit, they're 5 year olds. So he told them to shut up and we told him NO! So King Butthurt stormed out of the room. When he came back I called him "princess," and I probably shouldn't have but I did and I can't do shit about it now. After that everything went fine for a bit and I hoped it would stay like that until we got to leave that god-forsaken death-hole. But no, peace and quiet is bad for Izzy. They desided to try and fucking molest me by attempting to rip my fucking pants off! And when I yell at them for that, it's BAD! And even better then hid my shoes. Yeah, I got'em back so that doesn't matter. Then I had to get my bag to leave, but one of the demons held my bag and the other demon was headbutting me in the stomache while the adults were there! And the fucking bastards had the audacity to say I was mean to them right while they were fucking headbutting me! Those little, ooooh I wanted to hurt them! This was the rant, angst is below.

So, apparently the parents hated me and called Brooke's mom about it. Meaning more then one call. Damn, does that make me feel like a failure or what? Of course the 10 year olds were butthurt about the fact that I didn't let them tie the kids up and gag them so they couldn't talk. And the little kids would agree with them 'cause...well they're 5 year olds. I knew I shouldn't have gone with her in the first place too. I'm bad with kids and parents, because they all tend to loathe me for one reason or another. It just...the feeling of knowing that sucks. Well...Brooke wanted me to sleep over her house again tonight, but her dad said I couldn't sleep over after we found out more then one of the parents called. I just...I think he looked pissed about it and, tch I just felt like a loser. I am a loser but it just sucked. So I called my mom and she came and got me. I don't know...Brooke said she wasn't mad but I think she is. Apparently she's mad at her parents for something but I think they're mad at her too. Again, my fault. I don't know why I have to be such a heartless bitch, I wonder how my friends put up with me sometimes. I'm insecure as fuck so maybe that's why I'm just bitchy to everyone? I don't know, I'm not gonna start some weird-ass psychology shit on myself or whatever.

I also wonder if some of my friends are actually 'friends' or consider me so. I mean, am I just someone they keep around because I have no other friends? I was thinking about a comment Brooke made before I left. She said "I wouldn't be asking you to sleep over if I was mad at you." But..someone who once hung out with us, Brooke would let her sleep over too. I don't remember if Brooke ever invited her over because most of the time she invited herself to Brooke's. But most of the time Brooke never said no by making up an excuse or something. So is the same thing just gonna happen to me? That all of them will just abandon me after my annoyance just reaches that inevitable level I know it will reach someday? I..I'm probably just putting to much into this and seeing something that's not there but...the thought of not having any friends or anyone to talk to truthfully scares me. I know I get annoying quickly. That's why I try to limit the time I spend with people, of course they don't know this until now though. I never want to spend more then 5 hours with anyone and I dread spending the day with them and then sleeping over at their house. I know that hanging around with ME of all people must be annoying. I think poeple come to me when no other option is available. They hang around with me when no one else can...probably just seeing what's not there again but...it's not like it hasn't happened before. I have heard "Well, no one else is available so I called you!" a few times and it really hurts. A lot. I already feel like I don't deserve any of my friends 'cause I'm a jackass but you don't need to unknowingly rub salt into the wound. And they probably don't trust me either. I wouldn't tell someone something someone else told me in confidence. Maybe 3 years ago I would, but not now. I know a few of my friends don't trust me. That they'll tell someone they've known for 3 months a secret over someone they've know for 3 years. And have the audacity to talk about it infront of my while I just pretend to not notice like a little retard. It's not like I can do anything about it, I can't force somebody to tell me something that they've only told one other person. It's not like I could make a 'new group of friends' or whatever the fuck because everyone in my grade already sees me as the creepy ugly loner emo-goth chick with barely any friends that talking to is taboo. Just put on a fucking mask and fake everything like I usually do. I'm gonna alienate people either way, why annoy them with my angsty-ness when I don't have to? I can't see the future and I can't see what's gonna happen to me in a month, or a year, or after high school...but I can't see myself living past 20. I just don't see it. I can't see myself with the people I call 'friends' now in 5 years. I can't see myself ever having a 'boyfriend' or anything remotely close to that because the only guy that would be dumb enough to even consider asking me out would have to be dared to. I'm not "sporty" and "popular" like a bunch of the lifeless washed-out souls of females in my grade. I'm not "thin" and I'm not "pretty" and I like wearing dark colours and I don't shop and Ambercrombie and Aeropostle. I don't want to, and I won't. And I went well off topic. I don't know if just ranting this all out helped me or not because I don't feel any different. Probably forgot some shit I wanted to add, I'll just edit it in later if I remember anything. I'd probably feel better if someone commented saying they actually read this beast to the end. I don't usually do shit like this...feeling stuff scares me. So yeah...I think that's it. I;m going to bed I've felt to many freakin' emotions today.

If you actually read the beast...well...thanks I guess. Just comment and...stuff.